dried roses

it's a super beautiful, warm, calm, spring evening - the kind that are my favorite. as i walked outside in my back garden (one of my most favorite places), i was quite sad to see my roses were all dried, pale, wind-blown - they had prematurely aged from the harsh elements, hanging lifeless on their bushes. my youngest, sweet man-cub, who is miserable at the moment with allergy-causing asthma, plus a nasty cold on top of it, plus a bad dose of missing his dad who's been traveling toooo long, said, "do you think i'll get better soon?" but then a tear fell down his cheek, i looked again at the miserable, parched roses, and realized we all felt the same: dried, pale, sagging. i hugged him, and i think that made me feel better, not sure about him, and my roses were still sad. i guess i had one of those 'everything has a season' and 'this too shall pass' moments, but that kinda irritated me too, for just sounding too cliche in my already broken, tired head.

i tried to tell a friend today about some of my lyme symptoms, something i don't do very often, because, well, people tend not to hear... then, the vulnerable thing you just brought up, leaves you feeling even more vulnerable than before. i SO do not want to be a victim in all this, i really don't feel like a victim; i do feel lonely and isolated. i know it's very hard to understand all this lyme stuff, but it's also hard not to be understood. and that's where i'm at today. and where i've been for a while. little bit of grace in my heart, covered by a dried rose in my hair.
how stupid.

hmmmm. kinda scary...

so, first blog. i must say, i'm doing this more for me than anyone else, oh, and also, cuz i feel like God wants me to write. honestly, i'd be quite happy if no one read it, we'll see if i tell anyone... it just feels very vulnerable to say a bunch of stuff and give people room to judge or criticize, or, hope that someone might like it, but then no one does. anyway. i know i have stuff to say, and i haven't been saying it for a long time. i've chosen blogging as apposed to just writing in a journal, cuz white, blank pages intimidate me, so i tend to leave them blank. but honestly, who has time to read and post stuff on everyone's blogs?? i know i certainly can't keep up, even with really cool, amazing people.
ok, enough of that long, drawn out beginning.

so, who am I and what do i have to say?