Tests & feeling wimpy

yesterday i finally got in to see a specialist - a gastroenterologist... that is altogether too long and scary of a word. and it was a long, 3 hours at his office. now i have TESTS to look forward to... (a slightly false, sarcastic "yay" goes here).  one test is already in the mail (woohoo!) and now there's 3 more in a few days - all 3 of those involve fasting, as well driving on the lovely 405 freeway during early morning rush-hour. i don't know why that scenario makes me feel like a kitten sitting in a forest full of wolves, but it does. i am not a city girl, although i live in a big one - i am not an early morning girl, and fasting does more to me than leave me hungry - i get shaky, extremely weak and what little of my brain that's working goes straight out the window. i end up feeling vulnerable to a point of being overwhelmed...which is where i'm at now, and i still have 3 days before i even get there. i am, however, quite grateful that this new doctor is someone who really seems to know what he's doing. He is smart, gentle and i felt i could trust him. It was also nice seeing the plaque on his wall stating 'best gastro-longword in America, 2010'...! anyways, that's part of my journey for now... needing prayers for strength, dealing with 405 rush hour traffic, enduring all things associated with belly-tests, feeling like there's no one to talk to about all this.... looking for grace and flowers....

frustration

well, another attempt at blogging. don't know how it will go this time either - i don't know if i'm cut out for this kind of thing. it's been so long since i've thought about actually writing, i couldn't even find this silly blog. but, i guess i need to find my voice. i know i have some things to say. once again, i hope no one finds this or follows. why don't i just write in a journal and make sure it's private? never to be found? maybe i will. blogging, i think there's some value in it - but my frustration now is it seems in order to be a successful blogger, you have to be a mom, a photographer and take pictures of your food, along with everything else. it seems everyone has become their own personal Better Homes & Garden magazine editor, and although I really like some of those blogs, it just kinda irritates me that that's the trend ( i dislike trends). i am a mom, and i can be a pretty good cook, i just don't like the idea of taking pictures of my food to show how amazing it might be. and, i have an issue with food right now, as food is rarely my friend - so many allergies, so many intolerance's, so many stomach aches. well, i guess what i wanted to talk about today is "social anxiety". what an ugly phrase. it's ugly because of what it means. i used to think that people who had social anxiety were somehow weak, and maybe crazy - i mean, who gets anxious about being with people? i am an innie (introvert), so people can wear me out, but, this anxiety thing is a whole different matter. it's like having chronic fatigue and you think that sleep will make it better but it doesn't. now, i would actually like to spend some time with people, and i'm feeling a bit isolated, although the idea of being with people feels a bit poisonous, very overwhelming. no body talks about this. and i wonder who knows what to do with it?? it's very uncomfortable. it's not who i am, but i am stuck with it at the moment and it seems to be taking over. 

dried roses

it's a super beautiful, warm, calm, spring evening - the kind that are my favorite. as i walked outside in my back garden (one of my most favorite places), i was quite sad to see my roses were all dried, pale, wind-blown - they had prematurely aged from the harsh elements, hanging lifeless on their bushes. my youngest, sweet man-cub, who is miserable at the moment with allergy-causing asthma, plus a nasty cold on top of it, plus a bad dose of missing his dad who's been traveling toooo long, said, "do you think i'll get better soon?" but then a tear fell down his cheek, i looked again at the miserable, parched roses, and realized we all felt the same: dried, pale, sagging. i hugged him, and i think that made me feel better, not sure about him, and my roses were still sad. i guess i had one of those 'everything has a season' and 'this too shall pass' moments, but that kinda irritated me too, for just sounding too cliche in my already broken, tired head.

i tried to tell a friend today about some of my lyme symptoms, something i don't do very often, because, well, people tend not to hear... then, the vulnerable thing you just brought up, leaves you feeling even more vulnerable than before. i SO do not want to be a victim in all this, i really don't feel like a victim; i do feel lonely and isolated. i know it's very hard to understand all this lyme stuff, but it's also hard not to be understood. and that's where i'm at today. and where i've been for a while. little bit of grace in my heart, covered by a dried rose in my hair.
how stupid.

hmmmm. kinda scary...

so, first blog. i must say, i'm doing this more for me than anyone else, oh, and also, cuz i feel like God wants me to write. honestly, i'd be quite happy if no one read it, we'll see if i tell anyone... it just feels very vulnerable to say a bunch of stuff and give people room to judge or criticize, or, hope that someone might like it, but then no one does. anyway. i know i have stuff to say, and i haven't been saying it for a long time. i've chosen blogging as apposed to just writing in a journal, cuz white, blank pages intimidate me, so i tend to leave them blank. but honestly, who has time to read and post stuff on everyone's blogs?? i know i certainly can't keep up, even with really cool, amazing people.
ok, enough of that long, drawn out beginning.

so, who am I and what do i have to say?